Recent Comments

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Project Phoenix – Day 1

Daß es nicht einfach wird, ist mir klar und auch, daß es alles wahrscheinlich sehr lange dauern wird. Aber irgendwie macht mir die ganze Sache auch etwas Angst. Ich glaube, es ist Angst vor dem, was passieren wird, vor einer Veränderung und es ist Angst davor, etwas zu verlieren. Aber ich kann nicht sagen, was es ist, das ich verlieren könnte. Ein seltsames Gefühl.

Jedenfalls war der heutige Tag nicht besonders erfolgreich, aber es wird solche Tage immer geben. Es wird auch gute Tage geben, vielleicht werden diese mit der Zeit immer mehr, weil ich mich daran gewöhne, mich an das Positive zu erinnern. Wir werden sehen, es bleibt spannend.

Project Phoenix

Project Phoenix (ich muss sowas immer einen Namen geben). Dahinter steckt Selbstsicherheit gewinnen und das Selbstwertgefühl steigern. Ich versuche es zumindest. Und ich fange praktisch bei Null an. Ich habe keine Selbstsicherheit und überhaupt kein Selbstwertgefühl. Ich kann mich nicht leiden und halte nicht viel von mir selbst, ich glaub nicht, daß ich irgendwas gut kann, klug bin oder irgendwelche Talente habe etc.. Also das Übliche. Da ich mir überhaupt nicht vorstellen konnte, wie man Selbstsicherheit und Selbstwertgefühl aus dem Nichts aufbaut, habe ich einfach mal gegooglet. Ich kann es mir immer noch nicht so ganz vorstellen, aber ich habe ein paar Ideen bekommen, die ich einfach hier mal ausprobieren möchte. Schlimmer kann es ja nicht werden 😉 Ich habe 5 Punkte, zu denen ich versuche werden, jeden Tag etwas hinzuzufügen. Nur Positives natürlich. Zum Beispiel “Things I like about myself”. Heute kann ich nichts auf die Liste setzen, aber vielleicht morgen oder nächste Woche. Ich hoffe, die Liste wird sich füllen. “Things I’m good at”: Dinge, in denen ich gut bin, die ich gut kann. Auch hier kann ich heute noch nichts auflisten. Ich möchte auch nur Dinge nehmen, von denen ich persönlich wirklich überzeugt bin. Vielleicht sagen mir 2-3 Leute, daß sie meine gifs mögen, aber solange ich von mir selbst aus nicht sage “Ja, darin bin ich tatsächlich gut”, kommt es nicht in die Liste. Natürlich werde ich auch offline Notizen machen. Ich habe ein schönes dickes Notizbuch, was ich schön dekorieren könnte. Da kommen positive Erlebnisse rein, auch wenn es nur Kleinigkeiten sind, wie zum Beispiel “das Karniggel hat heute mit mir Supernatural geguckt” oder “XY hat gesagt, meine Fotos sind schön”. Einfach Dinge, die mich freuen, mir viel bedeuten, mir ein gutes Gefühl geben und die mir Freude machen.

Das ist der Plan und es ist auch erstmal nur ein Anfang, wir werden sehen, was passiert. Ich hoffe, es hilft.

Die Listen sind auf dieser Seite, die auch oben im Menu zu finden ist: http://www.jmaclean.com/blog/project-phoenix/

Falls also jemand mal neugierig über meinen Fortschritt ist, kann er direkt da reinsehen. Ich werde auch versuchen, die Seite möglichst aktuell zu halten (ich hoffe nicht, daß ich wie bei vielen Dingen irgendwann einfach keine Lust mehr habe und es vergesse). Feedback und Vorschläge sind auch immer willkommen.

Ich bin gespannt… 🙂

Stupid?

Ich halte ja nicht besonders viel von mir selbst. Ich bin auch nicht intelligent oder klug oder habe besondere Talente, aber ich versuche mein Bestes. Leider ist das nicht genug, ich bin nicht genug. Vielleicht war mal Potential (ich kann es nicht mit z schreiben, das sieht einfach falsch aus) da, ich weiß es nicht, immerhin habe ich das Abitur gerade eben noch geschafft. Ich weiß noch nichtmal, was ich hier überhaupt sagen will. Ich zweifle immer mehr an mir selbst, an meiner Intelligenz? Ich wollte so viel hier schreiben, weil ich so viel loswerden möchte, aber ich kann nicht, mir fällt nichts ein. Wie immer, wie in jeder Unterhaltung.

CIMG2182

Protected: My #JibCon photo ops

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

My #JibCon experience

So I went back to Jibcon last weekend. Back to Rome, back to that hotel, the hallways and the lobby that are all so familiar by now. It was the first time that I went alone but that was okay, I guess. It gave me the opportunity to do whatever I want whenever I want. When I reached the hotel on Thursday morning it was only around 11 am. I tried to check in but my room wasn’t ready yet and I had to wait till 2 pm. So I had them store my suitcase and went to the registration desk of the convention, got my badge, my lanyard, my photo op tickets. I was actually considering getting a photo op with Tom Ellis (Lucifer) until I saw the price, 85€. So I scratched that idea and decided to at least get his autograph that was included in my pass anyway. I bought a picture for him to sign and got in line. The autograph room was pretty hot and humid which was not very pleasant but I wouldn’t spend a lot of time there. So when it was my turn I saw that Tom was wearing devil’s horns on his head and he seemed to be having fun. The girl in front of me held up the line so I didn’t really get to say a lot. The only thing I got out was “I love Lucifer” and he smiled and said “Thank you”. I think the rest of the day was spent in my hotel room. Oh, and it was season finale night, so I got up at night to watch the 2 last episodes of the season.

The actual Jibcon started on Friday afternoon so I had a lot of time to sleep in and get ready, prepare my camera. The first panels were great fun of course and the first day is always pretty stress-free. I didn’t have to get any autographs or photo ops so I was able to just enjoy the show. And then day one was done. And I was getting really nervous about day two because day two was Jensen photo ops day. I couldn’t sleep very well, so many things were going through my head, not just about the con, I was full of self-doubt for specific reasons, which would make me cry on Saturday night. Anyway…

Saturday started very early for me. I got up at 5.30 am to go downstairs for breakfast and it was nice and quiet, a good time for breakfast before all the crowds came storming in. Afterwards I went back up to my room to shower and get dressed and be even more nervous about the photo ops. What would he be wearing, what mood would he be in, would he do the pose I would like him to do? Would the staff let me ask for this pose? Would everything be rushed? Would I even be on time? I decided to take it one step at a time so I got ready, went downstairs to see the opening ceremony. I could have lined up for my Jensen photo ops already but I just didn’t want to miss him on stage for the ceremony. Of course the line was much longer when I came back but it wasn’t so bad it moved quite fast and before I knew it I reached the corner a few meters before the door to the photo op room and got even more nervous. A few minutes later I entered the room, showed my ticket and was given a blue plastic ring because I had 2 photo ops. A staff member asked everyone in line what pose they wanted and I told him I want to different hugs and asked if I could show Jensen  one of them on my phone. He said that it’s fine and I was relieved, that was one of my worries because I didn’t know how to describe it. And standing in front of Jensen…well, you lose all ability to speak anyway. So when it was my turn I gave Daniela my bag and the other volunteer took my ring and showed Jensen my phone, he looked at it and got what I wanted. The rest is pretty blurry. I remember looking at Jensen, his face was so high up (I’m short) and then he hugged me, I felt his stubble. Then the photographer said something, I think he was confused because he couldn’t see my face. Jensen then told him that it’s okay because I wanted it this way (I actually don’t remember what exactly he said) and then the picture was taken. The next one was just a normal squishy hug and it was good and he hugged me tight and when it was done I looked at him again, smiled (I think) and said “Thank you so much” to which Jensen replied “Thank YOU”. Then it was time for me to go, the volunteer gave me back my phone and I got my bag and left the room floating in the clouds. I left the convention area because I really needed to calm down. A few minutes later I noticed the blue ring in my hand and I didn’t know how it got there. I’m serious. I was completely confused. At some point I thought that maybe I had it in my hand the whole time during the photo ops.  But I didn’t. They must have given it back to me, I really don’t know, it was just there. However, there were panels to attend so I went back in, enjoyed more panels, took lots of pictures of Jensen on stage and decided that I would get his autograph on Sunday instead of Saturday, but not during his last session (which turned out to be a good decision). I was a little sad that Jensen’s solo panel turned into a second J2 panel because I would have loved to see and hear Jensen talk on his own. He gives interesting, thoughtful and long answers. But the J2 panel was funny, too, and I knew there’s be a second Jensen solo panel on Sunday so it was okay. Day 2 was almost done, there was only Jason’s concert left which was at 9.30 pm so I had some time to rest and post pictures on Twitter. I knew from experience that those concerts never start on time so I went downstairs a few minutes before 10 and still had to wait till they opened the doors. The concert was nice but as I said back then, for some reason concerts make me sad. And since there were other things on my mind, too, I was just really down afterwards.

Sunday, final day. It was also Jensen/Misha photo op day and Jensen autograph day. The photo op was first thing in the morning and I somehow managed to be second in line and the girl who was before me at some point asked me if I wanted to go ahead of her. When I got in line it was very early of course and we had to wait a while till they let us go to the infamous corner (those who have been to a Jibcon before know which corner I mean). Incidentally I was in a good spot to see Jensen and Misha arrive and go into the photo op room. Many fans were waiting with their cameras ready but I had the best spot. When Jensen arrived it got very loud and he was smily and happy and looked so good in his jacket and red plaid and I waved and he waved back at me and he noticed my YANA t-shirt and smiled. That was a pretty nice start. In the photo op room I met the same guy asking about my pose as the day before. I just wanted a squishy sandwich hug so it was fine. Suddenly it was my turn and I had to look up to both of them. I think Jensen was a little distracted by what was going on at the door at that point but then I could talk to him and ask for a squishy hug. They hugged me pretty tight which was awesome. I thanked each of them, they thanked me and I left, got my bag and suddenly they called me back because I blinked. Oops. So I had to redo the picture which wasn’t so bad, one more Jensen hug is always a good thing. So we did it again and then I was finished and I don’t remember what happened after that. I must have walked back into the panel room, enjoyed more panels and at some point it was time for Jensen’s solo panel which was delayed and I was scared that it would be canceled again. But it wasn’t. It was a good panel and Jensen was amazing, I took lots of pictures, of course. The next thing I did was go into the autograph room to get an autograph from Dave Haydn-Jones which was pretty fun. When I was done I saw there there was already a line for Jensen’s autograph and I decided to just get in that line. It was a good idea. I had to wait a while but when Jensen arrived it was just a nice sight, again 😉 He was pretty cheery and gave high fives and he might have recognized me and smiled at me, I’m not sure, maybe it was the person behind me. It was cute either way. I liked one of my photo ops so much that I wanted to get it signed which I’ve never done before. As the line moved I got more nervous and wasn’t sure what to tell him till the last second. I love his hugs so much so I just wanted to thank him for all the hugs over the years. It was a good decision because his reaction was the sweetest. I can’t even describe the look on his face (I probably could if I was better with words, but I’m not). Then he blew me a kiss and that was the best thing ever. I didn’t even know how to react so I just smiled shyly and said “Thank you”. I thanked him a lot this weekend. I walked out of the autograph room and I was so touched that I actually started to cry. Damn you, Jensen. I love him. So then I was done with autographs and I would be able to just enjoy the rest of the panels. Which I did. The Jensen/Misha panel was delayed but it stood out. It was silly fun till the moment Jensen started to get emotional and told us about his afternoon, how talking to the YANA people affected him. Pretty sure you saw the videos. But being there was special. The whole room was quiet when he was talking, I hardly heard any cameras at all and when I looked around me most people had tears in their eyes. I just wanted to hug Jensen, I think we all did. Of course when Jensen was done he wanted to lighten the mood again by being extra funny but you could tell he was emotionally drained (actually you could tell from the beginning of the panel) and relieved when the panel was ended by all the other guests rushing on stage to hug him. That was really sweet. I loved that moment. I love Jensen for being so open and for letting us know how much he loves us all. This man has a big, big heart.

After the closing ceremony the convention was over. I was tired and of course I was sad that the con ended. I went back to my room and posted more pictures. And that was it basically, that was my convention. 🙂 I loved it.

The journey back home was very stressful but that is a whole different story…

Protected: Just some things…

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Monday…

😀

Also real birthday. I still don’t have any plans, I might bake a cake. We’ll see. 🙂

 

DSC_0210

Photographs…

Gestern an meinem fake birthday sind wir durch Essen spaziert und haben Fotos gemacht. Zuerst waren wir an der Zeche Zollverein, wo ich vorher noch nie war, und dann sind wir zum Sonnenuntergng an den Baldeneysee gefahren 🙂

Nightmares…

Ich hatte früher schon wiederkehrende Alpträume, wie die Außerirdischen, die Tornados und Flugzeugabstürze. Jetzt scheint es wieder etwas Neues zu geben. Bis jetzt hatte ich diesen Traum nur ein paar Mal, aber ich bin jedesmal total verängstigt aufgewacht als ich schreiben wollte, aber keinen Ton rausbrachte. Ich habe sogar Angst, es aufzuschreiben, weil ich denke, dieser Traum kommt dann zurück.

Der letzte lief ungefähr so ab:

ich war in meinem Bett in meinem alten Kinderzimmer und wollte schlafen. Aber ich war nicht die Person, die ich früher war, ich wußte, daß das die Vergangenheit ist, aber nicht, warum ich wieder dort war.  Es war dunkel aber dann kam ein Licht von der Tür und ich bemerkte, daß sie offen stand, obwohl ich sie vorher geschlossen hatte. Ich stand auf, um sie zu schließen, aber dann kam mein Vater ins Zimmer. Ich wußte, er war nicht mehr am leben und kam mir eher vor wie ein Zombie. Er hat nichts gesagt, hat sich nur mit starrem, totem Blick auf mich zubewegt und ist dann über den Nachttisch gefallen und lag dann vor mir und ich hatte eine wahnsinnige Angst. Ich wollte schreien, nicht nur, um nach Hilfe zu rufen, sondern auch um meinem Vater zu zeigen, daß er mir Angst macht. Aber wie immer konnte ich nicht schreien, es kam einfach kein Ton heraus, egal wie sehr ich es versuchte, während sich mein Vater immer noch auf mich zu bewegte. Und immer wenn ich versuche zu schreien, dann wache ich auf, voller Angst und verschwitzt.

Diese Träume sind immer ähnlich. Ich bin in der alten Wohnung, mein Zombievater kommt auf mich zu, ich will schreien, aber kann nicht und dann wache ich auf. Die Details ändern sich. Einmal bin ich schreiend aufgewacht.

Selbst die Außerirdischen haben mir damals nicht soviel Angst eingejagt. Ich möchte das nie wieder träumen…

Lost…

Ich sollte davon gar nichts schreiben. Es ist sowieso jedesmal das selbe und gar nicht wichtig. Irgendwie habe ich jeden Tag mehr das Gefühl, verloren zu sein und nirgendwo hinzugehören, nirgendwo dazuzugehören und nirgendwo willkommen zu sein. Ach was solls….